I must look really pathetic, only writing here when I'm so miserable I can't breathe. But I do have my brighter moments. So, instead of going on about how hard it was to stop crying tonight, i'm going to mention the good things.

I'm getting a new kitten. He's a tiny orange tabby, and we met through fate. Our neighbors, Gwen and Randy, own this farm. This kitten lived on the farm. They'd been wanting to get rid of him anyway, and one day he snuck into one of their vehicles and made his way over here. He ended up in our garden, and then in my lap, purring and mewling. It was love at first sight. So, when we found out that it was their kitten (we hadn't know at first), we told them we'd take him. And so we get him this week. I'm either going to name him Rufus or Oliver. Not sure yet.

I got an idea for a book. This one has potential. It's about two girls, from different backgrounds, meeting and becoming friends in highschool. Only, their backgrounds were too different, and they ended up splitting their friendship. Since it's based on a real-life experience, it will be personal to me. SO who knows what will happen.

I'm losing myself. My memory is going, I can't remember what I did two days ago. I don't feel like myself. I swear that there's someone else taking over my body, and only tiny little glints of who I was remain. It terrifies me.

December is too far off. Holidays don't hold their charm anymore. They're just regular days. Even my own birthday feels like just another day. I've never had a decent birthday anyway, so that doesn't bother me much. But Halloween means nothing more than the day before All Souls Day. The day when the wall between this plane and the next is it's thinnest, the day of honoring death and rebirth. The Celtic New Year. I used to dress up and trick or treat, now I light a candle in honor, and give thanks for my lessons in life, however miserable they've made me.

I try not to let my depression show with my friends online. Some days I'm crying uncontrollably, but I fake happiness to the people I talk to. My entire life has been a struggle with what to reveal and what not to reveal. I've been punished for crying, being told that I had no reason to cry and if I were going to cry, well then they'd give me a good reason to do so. I've been made to eat when I was full, and gotten horribly sick from it. I've had my head slammed repeatedly against the walls for saying something wrong. I grew up learning to keep quiet.

Not many people know everything. Well, I don't think anyone does. Sometimes, I feel like everyone should know, that they deserve to know why I am the way I am. Then, other times, I'm so ashamed of it all. I get scared people will react the wrong way. That they'll feel sorry, or they'll see me differently. I don't want them to. So I don't tell them.

Sometimes, I wish that I had someone to cry with. The strongest feeling I have is that of loneliness, so I pretend my teddy bear is alive, and I tell him everything. And we cry together. I hold him, but he doesn't hold back. I'm only half fulfilled.

Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to seek friendship. Maybe.

Always tired, always in pain. Wrote a poem. Read it:

The Lake

A lake rests in the valley of two mountains.

Filled with living creatures; yet, with no life of her own.

The overbearing trees surround her.

The accusing trees tower above her.

She has no life: she's still and she's silent.

Her depths unknown, for none have set to explore her.

She, the lake, unknown.

A lifeless, fragile source, with her rocky floors,

Her guests, and her stories trapped within.

No one dares to explore her; she has no life.

Let's see if you can read into it.

Last night was the regular Sunday dinner that hasn't really been so regular. Somehow we got on the subject of dreams, and my mother told us hers. My aunt told everyone hers. I told mine. Only, after hearing everyone's dreams, I understood and knew the symbolism. My intuition is getting stronger, and my practices are becoming well worth the frequency.

I'm excited about moving in with my dad. I have a feeling it's going to be really good, and December could not come soon enough.